Hot Monkey Love Bacon Mac & Cheese

When one moves to South Carolina, there are a few changes one must make in order to acclimate more quickly.

1.  When ordering Tea at a restaurant, expect it to come sweetened with real sugar or simple syrup, diabeetus be damned.  If you want to use an artificial sweetener or want it hot, you must be extra clear with your waitress by stating "UN-sweet Tea" or "HOT Tea."

2. Speed limits are really the combined average of drivers on any one particular road; you can either go 15 over or 15 under, but never the actual posted limit.

3. If you need to go out on a Sunday, you must do so before the Lord gets out or wait until the late afternoon.  Driving anytime between 10am and 1pm is ill-advised, unless you want to be stuck waiting for a parade of church-goers' minivans.  Additionally, dining anywhere during the early afternoon hours will likely be the most trying part of your day as you tangle with children and mouth-breathers.

4. Everything is made better with pork.

On that last note, let me tell you about Hot Monkey Love Bacon Mac and Cheese!

My Mom got this recipe from Giada DiLaurentiis, but since I don't feel her boobs, I mean *she* can cook very well, I've adapted it into a delicious dish of death.

1lb bacon

12 oz penne noodles

1/2 stick of salted butter

1/2 cup flour

8 oz 2% milk (or half & half if you want to up the artery-clogging potential)

2  8oz packages of Kraft Italian 5 Cheese mix with a "touch of Philly"  (it actually does melt better), reserve 4 oz of cheese for crust

1 tbs garlic powder

pinch of dry mustard

1/2 cup plain breadcrumbs

Before you cook the bacon, cut it up into 1/2 inch pieces so they'll all get crispy.  Nobody wants flaccid bacon in their mac & cheese.

Cook the bacon to a crispy awesome meat candy texture.  Drain on paper towels, blot to remove surface grease because it will help keep the bacon crispy.

Cook your noodles until they're al dente - they'll cook a little more in the oven so you don't want them too gummy at the start.  

In a 1qt saucepan, melt the butter.  Sprinkle in flour while whisking furiously to avoid lumps.  Congrats, you've made a roux!  Keep whisking and let it cook over low-medium heat for a few minutes until it turns slightly dark blond to remove that raw flour taste.

Slowly pour the milk into the saucepan, whisking life your life depends on it, until it's thoroughly combined and add the garlic and mustard.  Congrats, now you've made a bechamel!

Raise the heat slightly to bring the sauce up to cheese melting temperature.  When you see little bubbles form at the sides of the pot, you're ready to add the cheese.

(I find it helpful to dump 3/4 of the cheese onto a plate because you have to keep whisking and it's pretty much an exercise in ineptitude to keep whisking while trying to get your hand out of the bag of cheese without making a giant mess. Or, as Patches O'Houlihan would say, "looking like a retard trying to hump a doorknob.")

On low heat, sprinkle the cheese in ONE handful at a time, continuously whisking in a figure-8 motion, until the cheese has thoroughly combined before adding the next handful.  This technique, taught by the Swiss and their delightful fondue masters (or whatever nationality of the waiter at Melting Pot), ensures a velvety smoothness sexy enough for even the most ardent vegan.

In a greased 9x13 cassarole dish, combine the noodles, sauce, and bacon until it's almost wrong.  Sprinkle breadcrumbs and remaining 4oz of cheese lovingly over the top.  Don't worry if it's soupy because it will thicken during the bake.

Bake in 350 degree oven for 35-45 minutes until the cheese crust is golden brown and bubbly.  

Yes, it will look so damn good coming out of the oven that you'll want to hump it, but keep it in your pants and let it cool for at least 10 minutes before serving.  I hope you enjoy!