Awkward Moms Unite!

First, let me say that I had no idea folks had been missing my posts.  That's humbling, considering I tend to rant almost endlessly!  Also, thank you very much.


Secondly, let me tell you that if you're not already reading Awkward Mom's blog, you need to.  She really could be any one of us, flailing wildly at life's little snafus and seeing the comedy in everything.


To me, though, she is Erin and I met her in kindergarten.  Freckled and always slightly awkward, but loving and kind, creative, smart, and quiet.  Oddly quiet, actually, for a little kid ;)  Let's say she was reserved.... that sounds better :)

There's Awkward Mom standing awkwardly to my left!  Sept 1987

I have several crystalline memories of Mrs. Awesomely Awkward, but I will share the one that proves she learned Awkwardness from her own mother.  It may have been in 2nd or 3rd grade, right about the time girls start having sleep-overs for their birthdays.  Being in the middle of a cold Chicago winter, there aren't many activities a brave Sleep-over Mom could use to entertain a bunch of giggling girls, so her Mom planned something that would keep us all nice and toasty inside: making caramel.  Now, if that doesn't sound Awkward to you, let me explain the process.  You mix sugar, butter, and water together and let it boil to a certain temperature.  If you don't monitor the temperature carefully, you end up with scorched sugar, ruined pots, or having to remodel the kitchen.  When it reaches the right temperature, you pour it out on wax paper and let it cool so you can handle it. "Okay, doesn't sound too bad," you're thinking - but imagine that going on while ten tiny women are running around the house, up the stairs, screeching and laughing.


The next step is to pull the caramel.  This involves greasing up your hands and basically stretching the bejeezus out of it until it's aerated enough.  "Okay, so?" you're thinking.  But now, think about covering ten girls' hands in butter and letting them loose on some very hot sugar.  As a child, I had a tendency to try to "out-manner" kids my age and just be as polite as possible, the best guest.  I know I made a huge mess, so I can't even imagine how many surfaces were sticky or greasy when we were done.  It's a great memory for me, but it also exemplifies the Awesomely Awkward Mom - getting up the courage to do something extraordinary and then having the patience and sense of humor to see it through.


As you know, I'm not a Mom, despite my maternal tendencies (unless you count my 2 year old beagle, who may as well be a toddler - gets in to everything and you worry when it's quiet because he's up to no good), but this is a collection of the best tips I've learned from Moms who are raising great kids, like that Awkward Mom Erin:

• Don't worry so much.
• Let your kids play in the dirt (more exposure to germs now is scientifically proven to be better for your kid's immune system later on)
• Let your kids go down the big slide alone - it helps teach independence, self-confidence, and problem-solving skills
• Try to spend as much time with them when they're little - it's the most fun time.  Your career is important, but when you're old and gray, you'll wish you could cuddle them to sleep every night.  Plus, when they get to school, they learn other kids' bad habits, and before you know it, you'll have a little bucket of rage on your hands
• Try not to be too hard on yourself when you have to discipline your kid.  Learning the difference between right and wrong at a young age prevents them from growing up to be total narcissistic assholes
• When it's time for a birthday party, and you can't entertain the WHOLE class, send invitations out by mail or email, and remind them not to broadcast it at school so no one feels left out
• No, your body isn't the same it was before kids.  Your boobs will never be as perky as they once were, your panty-hamster has seen better days, and your stretchmarks will never tan properly.  Accept it and move on. Don't allow your own body image affect your kids.
• Having said the above, never EVER buy "mom jeans" - just go with the yoga pants :)
• Go "camping" in the living room
• Don't fret if you're feeding your kids peanut butter & jelly on store-bought bread when other moms have quinoa salad and homemade granola - it simply means they have too much time on their hands
• Don't over-schedule your kids but do get them involved in the arts - dance, paint, music - at least once before they're ten years old
• Make sure your kids have a relationship with their grandparents, even if you don't get along with them
• If they don't like what you made for dinner, too bad.  Don't make something "special" for them or you end up with a kid who only eats Kraft Dinner, like me ;)
• Go swimming with your kids and let them jump off your knees
• Read and write stories with them
• Finger paint, sew, play with play-doh, puppets, blocks, and silly putty
• Bake with them, even it's a Duncan Hines cake mix
• Don't be embarrassed when your kid has a tantrum in public - most of us are thinking, "poor Mom" and say "fuck'em" to people who give you dirty looks
• Encourage manners and kindness.
• Remind them of the Golden Rule
• When they get to school, teach them this rhyme "Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other's gold"
• Don't feel bad if you find yourself missing the days before you were known as "Mommy" but DO tell someone if you're having a really hard time
• If there's a grocery delivery service like Peapod in your area, use it
• Let your kids make mistakes and don't cover up for them if they do
• If you have a problem with your kid's teacher, keep it private between you and the teacher
• Get your kids' fingerprinted
• If your local fire or police department has a "safety day," go.  Let your kids know that police officers and firemen are there to help them.
• Get your kids a library card and get involved in storytimes and summer reading clubs
• Pick at least one day a month where everyone goes out and does something active as a family for the day - go to a museum, visit a working farm, go to a petting zoo, have a picnic, take a long walk, visit the botanic gardens, go for a bike ride, visit the zoo
• If you can't be at home to tuck your kids in, be sure you skype or call them before bedtime
• Print out all those great pictures you have on your digital camera or phone - they will be treasures one day

And lastly, remember that you're doing the hardest and most thankless job in the world.  It's okay to take a mini-vacation, even if you just get a sitter for a couple hours to get a pedicure or go grocery shopping alone. Don't measure yourself against other moms, including your own. Learn from your own mistakes, but don't try too hard to be perfect, because foibles make great stories.

As Thomas Dolby's Father Shouted, SCIENCE! Also, Cheese and low-carb.

I've recently embarked on a new lifestyle change.  I say "lifestyle change" because I'm sick of using the damn word "diet."  I've been on diets my whole life - they all work for a little bit but then I just can't take the restriction anymore.  Food addictions are very similar to alcohol or opiate addictions, neurologically speaking, except that a food addiction is much easier to feed (haha pun) than, say, a heroin addiction.  Food is much easier to procure and legal!  I'm not going to get a DUI if I'm pulled over on a cheeseburger high, nor am I going to get busted with a box of Krispy Kreme's  for "intent to distribute."  (Obviously, I'm a fat chick with only one box of Krispy Kremes... every cop knows there's no "intent" to distribute because my fat ass will be gobbling all twelve up by myself!)


After spending my late-20s in very stressful situations due to cross country moves, other family member's illnesses, and the sudden death of my father, it's simply time to take control of my health before I hit my mid-30s.  I've been allowing my genetic predisposition to high blood pressure, belly fat, high triglycerides, and diabetes to win for far too long.


So it was time to hit the books.  I don't care about diet claims - I just want to combine my experience with diets to the scientific evidence.  To lose weight, it should be simply about calories in/calories out, but when you have PCOS or any other metabolic abnormality like me, it's not that easy.  You really have to research how your body works with certain fuels if you plan on making a long-term change, not just a crash diet.


I first determined what I ingest on a daily basis, and out of those items, what have I been ingesting regularly over a long period of time, and cut those out.  I used deductive reasoning - obviously these foods have had no positive effect on my health over the last twenty or so years, so I don't need them to survive.  The one item I was able to identify with ultra-frequency was Diet Coke (or any diet pop for that matter). So I did the research on long-term effects.  The correlation is unclear, but all I needed to see was that people who drink Diet sodas are 34% more likely to develop metabolic syndrome.  Since I already have PCOS, I don't need to make it harder for myself by chugging Diet Coke instead of water.  Plus, as my friend Valerie pointed out, Diet pops usually have sodium - not good for the blood pressure. Over the last month, I've gone from drinking a 24-pack of Diet Coke every three days to still having one can in the fridge from the last pack.  I try to get unsweetened iced tea at restaurants, and reserve Diet Coke for "fiending" moments when I have a terrible caffeine headache. The good news is that my skin looks brighter, I feel less thirsty, and I'm not nearly as farty!  My husband's also quit his Coke Zeros and he's less farty, so SUPER YAY for that.


Now, when it comes to food, there's a TON OF CONFLICTING IDEAS and evidence regarding what you should and shouldn't eat.  First, go to your doctor and get your annual check-up to see if there are any issues you should focus on before doing the diet research.  Aside from the knowledge that we shouldn't load up on fast food and sweets (no brainer there, huh?), start using your Googler.  There are a lot of legitimate food plans out there that will actually help you transition from "diet" to "maintenance."


For me, Weight Watchers SUCKS! Sure, you can eat whatever you want, but you have to count the damn Points - which led me to eat way too many lower-point value carbs.  I lost weight initially, but that plateau hit, and I think it was a result of my PCOS interacting with my high-carb diet - the belly fat just wouldn't go away, my pancreas was freaking out, and my triglycerides skyrocketed.  


So this time, I went back to the Eades' book Protein Power.  It's an Atkin's tweak, with the focus being on lean protein and good carbs, like veggies and fruits.  It's definitely restrictive, with the Phase I keeping you at around 30 carbs a day for the sedentary like myself, but ohmygod, who needs to eat all that processed white flour?   All it does is spike your blood sugar and leave your brain and body craving for more in a few hours!


Whenever I've been on a diet, I always mourn chocolate.  Or rather, going into the diet, I think I'll miss sweets the most.  On Weight Watchers, though, I discovered that I missed REAL CHEESE the most.  Sure, I could have lower-fat cheese, a sprinkle here or a piece there, but I was nearly going stark-raving mad for the GOOD STUFF.  The real, full fat cheddars, briny muensters, creamy havartis, sexy fresh mozzarella all melty on a pizza, stinky blues... Missing that made me miserable.


But on Protein Power, I can eat whatever cheese I want!  I can eat cashews, salmon, bacon, turkey sausage, peanut butter, and steak without worrying that I'm blowing my Points! And you know what?  I'm far less hungry while eating LESS calories than I did on Weight Watchers! It's weird for someone like me to actually feel hunger as opposed to feeling "munchy."  Other low-carbers also remark how strange it is to lose their cravings for carbs like chips and cookies and choose instead to fuel their bodies with approximately 120g of protein each day.


Before the anti-low carb folks come out of the woodwork and shout "No! You're eating too much fat!!! You're not getting nutrients!  You're eating too many calories and sodium with all that meat and cheese!!!" let me say this, over the past 7 days, I've eaten about 1200 calories per day.  My sodium is well within the recommended daily intake of 2400mg at about 2200mg.  My total fat and saturated fat are slightly higher than the recommended 25-35%  and 7% of total caloric intake, but without the added sugar to screw up my metabolism, that's not a big deal.  I choose to make my carbs "worth it" meaning I'll go for the volume of an apple over the volume of a candy bar, and I'm getting more fiber than I have in months.  My heartburn is GONE (no need for the Zantac anymore) and my blood sugar has been normal without medicine.


And for anyone who thinks we're being too restrictive, we went out to dinner tonight at a make-your-own stir-fry place.  I chose shrimp, chicken, and scallops (a lot of it!) and loaded my bowl with lower-carb veggies like broccoli, bean sprouts, onions, and mushrooms, put a ton of garlic and red pepper on it, went easy on the Dragon sauce, and had a half order of brown rice.  It was super yummy, I didn't feel like I was missing anything, and my total carbs were around 14g. That left us room for desert!  So we walked down to the fro-yo shop, where I had a half-cup of caramel pretzel and chocolate yogurt for another 8g carbs.


What I love most about Protein Power is that it's suggested that you pick a few times a year where you take a break from being careful about carbs and just have fun, with the idea being that you return to your plan immediately and stay on it until you lose anything you gained.  That's going to be really handy when we visit Chicago in June!


Sure, Gentle Readers, you may think I'm in the honeymoon phase anyone has on a new food plan, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't crave some brownies the other day when my mother-in-law was being awful (as usual) to us when we went to the store for her, but I can tell you I'm in this for the long haul.  There's a reason the aristocracy of Europe died at such young ages - if not for disease or crazy falling off horses injuries, then it was their diet of eating whatever they wanted whenever they wanted in whatever quantity they wanted.  I don't want to go out with gout, an inflamed liver, a shrunken pancreas, kidney stones, and a massive heart attack.  I'm not really a princess - just a peasant.